The Rules of Acquisition
by harrimaniac27
Summary: Burns/Smithers slash is VERY MUCH insinuated   Carolyn Raines applies for a job at the powerplant and starts cozying up to Burns. Smithers gets jealous...but will he have time to come between them...Before it's too late?   Rated M just to be safe...
1. Only Fools Pay Retail

THE RULES OF ACQUISITION

George Glisson

Started:17th July, 2011

CHAPTER 1- ONLY FOOLS PAY RETAIL

It had been a while since Waylon Smithers, Jr had been to Cockamamie's Collectables...ever since he'd had that falling out with the owner, John, visiting just seemed to be emotionally taxing. He didn't know what had possessed him, but he found himself stiffly walking through the doors and into the cluttered shop on that dreary Thursday evening. He had to admit, after such a rough day, this was a better idea than going home and drinking himself to sleep. Looking around, he noticed that not much was different from the last time he'd been there, weeks ago. Business must have been slow lately.

"Welcome to Cockamamie's, I'll be righ-Waylon." Upon seeing Smithers, John walked out from behind a rather large pile of Malibu Stacy Doll boxes that he had been adding to inventory. Smithers didn't look at John. His eyes carefully scanned the pile of boxes, even though he knew he already had every single Malibu Stacy Doll there was.

"Hey, John." Smithers said in a dull tone. He put his hands in his pockets and rocked back on his heels. He didn't really want to deal with John at the moment, but something had drawn him to the shop, and he wanted to know what it was.

John could tell that Smithers didn't really want to talk to him, and yet...there he was...

"How's life been treating you?" John asked cautiously.

"...Fine. Just fine." Smithers said unconvincingly.

John nodded knowingly. _He must be having trouble at work._

"What do you need?" He asked. It was a little bold; he knew fully well that Smithers wouldn't want to answer his question. He went back to his work, adding the pile before him to inventory.

Smithers hesitated. He didn't want to say too much about his day, because he knew John. Saying anything remotely intimate would probably trigger one of those long, drawn out, heart-to-heart conversations they used to have. Considering his day, that just wasn't something he wanted to do at the moment.

"I don't know...I was just in the neighbourhood...figured I'd...stop by..." He said vaguely.

John sighed. He stopped working again and walked over to face Smithers.

"Waylon, what's wrong?"

Smithers turned away from John. "I..."

"Let me guess: You don't want to talk about it." John said knowingly.

Smithers sighed. "No. No, not really..." He said matter-of-factly.

John gave Smithers a long look. "But you need to anyway, don't you?" He asked, walking behind Smithers and rubbing his shoulders, finding them so tense they were hard as rock.

"John, please...not here." Smithers shrugged out of John's reach, walking towards the pile of new inventory. "I...I just want to...get a book or something and go home..."

"Waylon, don't make excuses...if you need to talk, you know, I'm here for you...always." John said, but he noticed that Smithers wasn't paying any attention to him; something in the pile of new inventory had caught his eye. Smithers picked up an old, brown book and blew the dust off of it. By the looks of it, it had been donated; it wasn't in particularly good shape and it almost looked as if it had been dragged behind a car. The title, in golden letters on the front, read "The RULES OF ACQUISITION: How to be a Successful (and Ruthless) Businessman".

His curiosity piqued, he opened the book. It was in a list format. He read the first rule.

_"#1: Once you have their money, you never give it back."_

Intrigued, he flipped to the end and read the first rule he saw.

_"#211: Employees are the rungs on the ladder to success. Don't hesitate to step on them."_

That sounded like a rule Mr. Burns had followed all his life.

He flipped back closer to the beginning and read another rule.

_"#33: It never hurts to suck up to the boss."_

Smithers smiled.

"How much?" Smithers asked without giving it a second thought.

John looked a bit surprised and a little taken aback. "F-for that? Uhh...It's not in very good condition is it-"

"How much?" Smithers asked again, impatiently this time.

"Well, I...guess I'd say 10..." John said.

Smithers got his wallet, took out a ten and a five and placed them on the counter.

"Keep the change." He said, starting to walk away from the counter, his nose still in the book.

"W-wait," John called, running and stopping in front of Smithers before he got out the door. "Waylon, you have to tell me what's bothering you before I'll let you walk out of this store!"

Smithers sighed, closed the book, and looked up at John. John wore an expectant and endearingly concerned look on his face. He really was a handsome guy. Smithers, all at once, knew why he had taken a chance on John and why he had let him go. He looked around to see if anyone else was in the store. Nobody else was around.

"...Look, John...you aren't gonna like it..."

John lowered his voice and narrowed his eyes. "Ah, this has something to do with Mr. _Burns_, doesn't it?" He said the old man's name as if it were poisonous.

Smithers looked down and grimaced as he thought about his horrible day at work. He didn't like the way John had said Burns' name, but he figured he couldn't blame him. Mr. Burns was the very reason he'd left John.

"Yeah. It does..." He said, failing to keep his frustration from seeping into his voice.

"I can't believe you still care about him after all the stress he causes you," John said, his frustration just as apparent as Smithers'.

"Look, It's...it's just worth it, Ok?" Smithers said, angrily.

"No, It's not ok! He treats you like dirt! I can't believe you fell in love with the devil himself!" John cried.

"No, John, the _devil_ wears Chanel No. 5...and her name is Carolyn!" Smithers yelled and stormed out of the store.

* * *

><p><strong>First Chapter has been posted! XD I'll be posting chapters 2 and 3 here later...if you'd like to read them, please visit my deviantart gallery...<strong>

**Well, well, well...looks like Mr. Burns is in love with a woman again...which, of course, bothers his assistant Smithers to no end...but all we know about her is that her name is Carolyn and that she wears Chanel No. 5...**  
><strong>Is she really the devil as Smithers says she is, or is he just jealous?<strong>

**_The Rules of Acquisition? Really! George, are you that much of a nerd?_**  
><strong>Why yes, I am. Call me worse than Comic Book Guy. But I have my reasons. The Rules of Acquisition gave me the whole idea for this story, and so they deserve much more than just an honourable mention.<br>(Of course, this can't necessarily be considered a crossover between Star Trek and The Simpsons because no Star Trek characters really appear in it...right?)**

** I'm working on chapter 4 already, so I hope to get that posted on DA and on here soon enough. XD Hope you like it so far! **

**I own no rights to the following:**  
><strong>The Rules of Acquisition (c) Paramount CBS<strong>  
><strong>The Simpsons, Waylon Smithers Jr, John, Cockamamie's Collectables, Malibu Stacy, C. Montgomery Burns (c) Matt Groening and FOX<strong>


	2. Nice Work if You Can Get It

CHAPTER 2- NICE WORK IF YOU CAN GET IT

EARLIER THAT DAY...

Mr. Burns sat in his office, watching the surveillance cameras as he often did. Soon, his assistant, Waylon Smithers, would enter with his morning coffee.  
>Burns glanced over at one of the screens and snorted at the sight of a balding man distastefully shoving a doughnut into his mouth. He reminded burns of a pig...a very <em>fat<em> pig...  
>"I wonder who that repulsive man is..." Burns muttered to himself.<br>"That's Homer Simpson, sir, one of your average Joes from sector 7G." Smithers said, unwittingly startling Burns.  
>"Smithers, you imbecile!" Burns yelled, almost causing Smithers to drop the cup of coffee in his hands. "Don't you dare sneak up on me like that ever again!"<br>"I-I'm sorry, sir..." Smithers said, averting his eyes and bowing his head. He was used to this sort of treatment. He held out the coffee.  
>"Here's your coffee..."<br>Burns eyed the coffee before he took it. When he touched the cup, he was actually _glad_ to find that, this time, it wasn't too hot...but he wasn't about to let Smithers know that.  
>"Good, now...go away." He said insensitively, waving a hand as if to shoo Smithers away.<br>Smithers initially obeyed, walking towards the door; until he heard the intercom beep. He didn't normally eavesdrop, but this time, something told him he should...  
>"Mr. Burns, Carolyn Reigns is here to see you...should I let her in?"<br>"Oh, yes, that would be quite alright, thank you." Burns said with a grin. He was almost..._too_ cheerful about this...He almost _never_ took the time to say something so polite as _"thank you"_. It was just unheard of. Smithers furrowed his brows. Something about this situation was starting to smell like a fish.

Back in his office, Smithers struggled to concentrate on writing a progress report...but he couldn't get Burns' attitude toward the mention of "Carolyn Reigns" out of his mind. Just who was this _Carolyn_ anyways? and what the heck was so special about this _Carolyn_ that she would have made Burns so happy? Smithers bit a nail and glanced at the door to his office.  
>He could always find an excuse to go into Burns' office-<br>_Waylon, calm down. You're overreacting_, He told himself. He took a few deep breaths and tried to continue writing the report. He typed three words: "doing the job"-but that last word made Smithers' train of thought derail yet again. _What is this Carolyn doing in Burns' office unless...she's applying for a **job**? ...A job that I don't have the authority to hire for? Like...My own job?_  
>Smithers' mouth suddenly felt dry.<br>_No. That can't be it...I'm much too valuable to him...I-I'm the only one that can squeeze his orange juice just the way he likes it...I know him better than anyone...I'm the closest thing he has to a friend!_ His mind raced from thought to thought. _Maybe he's just be hiring some random person for the Vice President job again...like the time he hired that dog..._...He thought, trying to console himself.  
>He took two more deep breaths and tried to write, but his thoughts caught up with him before he could even lay one word down. It just wasn't that simple. A woman was not a dog, no matter how much of a bitch she could be...and if she played her cards just right, she'd probably be able to charm Burns right into a deal.<br>The anticipation was killing him. He had to go find out what was going on.

Smithers crept up to Burns' office door and pressed his ear to it. From the depths of Burns' office, he could hear a silky woman's voice.  
>"-Oh, that's awful sweet of you, Burnsie," It was saying. From the sound of it, she was probably <em>gorgeous<em>. How disgusting. Smithers gagged.  
>"...But I won't be able to take the job until the 28th," he heard her say.<br>The words echoed in Smithers' head. So she _was_ looking for a job...But _what_ job!  
>"Well, I suppose that will have to do for now..." Burns was saying.<br>"I'm sorry, I really wish I could start the job earlier...It's just that I have two weeks left on my contract and-"  
>"You don't have to explain..." Burns said smoothly. There was a pause, and then Smithers heard Burns' voice again; this time, cool and suave.<br>"Do you have plans later?"  
>Smithers' heart sank. Yup. He had been worried about this...<br>He almost gagged again when he heard Carolyn's annoying little giggle.  
>"No, I don't...Do you?" She asked Burns playfully.<br>He heard Burns say something, but it was so low and soft, it was unintelligible. Smithers strained his ears to hear what Burns was saying, but all he heard was both of them laughing.  
>Smithers had heard enough. He turned and started trudging back to his office. He still wondered what job Carolyn had applied for, but he felt like he would be sick if he had to endure much more of their disgusting little "<em>lovey dovey<em> chit-chat".  
>That's when Burn's office door opened, almost smacking Waylon in the behind. He whirled around, just in time to get a staggering whiff of Chanel No. 5.<br>"Thank you so much for listening, Monty, I look forward to working more closely with you in the future." Carolyn said, walking out from behind the door. Now there was a face to the disembodied voice Smithers had heard before...Just as he had suspected, she _was_ disgustingly gorgeous; tanned, blonde, big busted, and blue-eyed...She could probably charm the pants off any straight man in Springfield, if only she didn't wear so much perfume! It was so strong, he thought he might faint...but he simply sneezed, giving away his presence. Both Carolyn and Mr. Burns turned to see who had sneezed.  
>"Smithers! What are you doing lurking in front of my office? Get back to work!" Mr. Burns barked at him.<br>"S-sorry, *cough* sir...I was just..." Smithers was choking on Carolyn's fumes...  
>"Well, Smithers? You haven't got all day!"<br>"*cough* Of course, sir..." He wondered how Burns could stand to even be _near_ the woman...  
>"And take care of that cough!"<br>"*cough* Yes sir-*cough*."

After Smithers had recovered from the toxic perfume, he sat in his office trying to finish the report. He drank seven glasses of water, and his throat still stung...Not as bad as it had at first, but it was still enough to cause him some discomfort. He had finally finished with the second to last paragraph when he was just starting to breathe easy. It had taken him the whole rest of the day to even come close to finishing the report. His thoughts had obviously been elsewhere.

The ride to Burns Manor was unusually quiet that night. Smithers was lost in his own thoughts, and Burns' thoughts were wandering as well. They were both thinking of the same person, but for entirely different reasons. Burns was dreamily staring out the window, and much to Smithers' discomfort, smelt strongly of Chanel No. 5. Smithers swore he heard the old man sigh a few times.  
>Smithers, on the other hand, was concerned about Carolyn's intentions. <em>What does she want with Burns? and is she after my job?<em> Smithers had no doubt that if she wanted the job, It was as good as hers. These thoughts consumed all others as he drove along.

After they pulled into the driveway, Smithers got out of the car and opened the door for Mr. Burns, as usual. He followed him up to the front door and into the mansion. As they walked up the stairs, Burns spoke for the first time that night.  
>"Smithers, I won't be needing you tonight...You're dismissed." He said distractedly, his voice soft, yet searing. He almost sounded as though he had delighted in saying it. It caught Smithers off gaurd.<br>"W-why, sir..?" Smithers stuttered, dreading the answer he knew he'd get.  
>"I don't see how that's any of your business, Smithers..."<br>"B-but Sir, I'm your personal assistant...I make it my business to know about any of your plans-"  
>"If you <em>must<em> know," Burns interrupted, annoyed; as if Smithers had ruined a moment, "_I_ have a _date_ tonight." He said "date" as if he were a teenage boy boasting to a classmate.  
>"Well...Don't you need any help...y'know, getting ready?" Smithers asked hopefully.<br>"I can manage on my own, Smithers! I'm a millionaire, not an impuissant child, you know!" He said as he walked into his room and shut the door behind him.  
>Smithers' heart sank. He had figured as much.<br>"No, you're an _"impuissant"_ old man...who just happens to have lots of money." Smithers muttered under his breath. He sighed, walking down the stairs and out of the house feeling confused and cast aside.

* * *

><p><strong>Ah, so now we've met Carolyn. What do you guys think of her so far? I can tell Smithers doesn't like her. XD Is he just jealous or is he justified?<strong>  
><strong>Stay Tuned...Part three is coming soon...<strong>

**Constructive criticism is welcomed, but empty judgements will be ignored.**

**Carolyn Reigns (c) Me**  
><strong>I own no rights to the following:<strong>  
><strong>The Rules of Acquisition (c) Paramount CBS<strong>  
><strong>The Simpsons, Springfield, Waylon Smithers Jr, C. Montgomery Burns (c) Matt Groening and FOX<strong>


	3. Playing By the Rules

WARNING: Slashyness ahead...One-sided slashyness...but still slashyness.

CHAPTER 3- PLAYING BY THE RULES...

That night, Smithers tried his best to sleep but, for some reason, his eyes didn't want to stay shut. He looked over at the Rules of Acquisition, sitting innocently on his bedside table...waiting to be read...He shut off his light and turned around, but he could feel the rules sitting there...waiting for him; silently calling to him. He tried to ignore them, but he only ended up tossing and turning in his bed until finally, he turned the light back on. He glared at the rules before picking them up. Just what was so tempting about reading a set of rules, anyways? Still, he found himself curiously opening the book.

There was a little blurb on the title page.

"The Rules of Acquisition: Printed with the permission of the Ferengi Commerce Authority (FCA). Licensed to Paramount/CBS."

"Hmm...wonder where Ferengi is..." Smithers mused aloud. Nevertheless, he turned the page and started reading the rules.

_"Rule number 1: Once you have their money, you never give it back._

_Rule number 2: Money is everything._

_Rule number 3: Never spend more for an acquisition than you have to._

_Rule number 4: Exploitation begins at home..."_

Smithers read The Rules of Acquisition nearly the whole night, and he still was't done with it. He had fallen asleep thinking about the rules, and they dominated his dreams.

_Rule number 16: a deal is a deal._

_ Rule number 98: every man has his price._

_ Rule number 33: it never hurts to suck up to the boss._

_ Rule number 20_:_ Trouble comes in threes._

Smithers awoke with a start as his alarm clock blared out some random rock song on the radio. It was 5:30. He hopped out of bed and jogged into the kitchen. Hercules was waiting by the back door, so he let him out. He opened a can of dog food and poured it into Hercules' bowl, then added a scoop of dry food and mixed it up. He set it on the floor just as Hercules came back to the door, scratching at it. Smithers opened the door and watched Hercules scamper to his food bowl, sliding around on the slippery tile. Smithers had to laugh, even though Hercules did that nearly every morning.

Smithers yawned and walked back into his room. He took a quick shower, got dressed, and fixed himself a bagel before it was time to leave for Mr. Burns' house.

When they got to work, they started their normal routines. Mr. Burns shut himself up in his office, Smithers got his coffee and newspaper ready and brought them to him...it started out like any normal day...but after lunch, things started to get interesting.

Smithers was reading the rules and eating his ham and swiss sandwich.

_"Rule number 111: Treat people in your debt like family...exploit them._

_Rule number 112: Never have sex with the boss's sister."_

At that, he snorted and shook his head. No one would want Mr. Burns' sister anyways, especially not Smithers. He went on to the next rule.

_"Rule number 113: Always have sex with the boss."_

_Wait..._Smithers stopped reading. Had he just read that right? He blinked and rubbed his eyes before reading it again.

_"Rule number 113: Always have sex with the boss."_

Well...Now _there_ was a rule he would love to follow...if only Mr. Burns would let him-

"Smithers! Get in here, now!" Mr. Burns barked through the wall. Smithers jumped, his heart pounding and his face flushed. He took a few deep breaths and got a drink of his water before he walked into Burns' office.

"Is...something...wrong, Sir?" Smithers asked as he neared Mr. Burns' chair. To Smithers relief, Mr. Burns seemed to be angry about the accounting books in his hands, and not at him.

"What do you mean, 'is something _wrong_, sir?'" Mr. Burns said in a mocking tone, "Of course there's something wrong, you nincompoop! Look at this...we've lost 10,000 dollars in the past four months!" He shoved the book in Smithers' face. "Why didn't you tell me about this?"

Smithers fumbled with the book and ended up dropping it on Burns' desk. "Well, to tell you the truth, sir, _I_ wasn't informed either!" He said truthfully; in his own defence. He expected to get lectured about what his job truly was, but thankfully, Mr. Burns didn't press the matter.

"How could this have happened?" Burns got out of his chair and started pacing. "Someone could be stealing our business...but there isn't another power plant within miles of here!"

Smithers shrugged. "Well, there's one in Shelbyville and one in Capital City, but I don't think-"

Burns snapped to attention. "There's a nuclear power plant in Capital City?" He had stopped pacing and was now looking a bit more angry.

"Well...yes, sir." Smithers said, "But I don't think it has anything to do with-"

"When did this happen?" Burns demanded.

"Uhh...A few years ago, sir...it was all over the news-"

Burns banged a fist on his desk. "I already have enough competition from Shelbyville as it is!" he snarled.

Smithers was pretty sure he knew where this was going...but he hoped he was wrong.

"What do you propose we do about it, sir? They already provide power to more than half of the population of capital city!"

Burns paused.

"Yess...more than half of the population..." He said, a smirk spreading across his face. Smithers could almost see the wheels turning in his head. Suddenly, Burns grabbed Smithers by the shoulders. "Smithers, I am going to purchase that power plant!"

Smithers gaped at him. "What!"

"Yess..." Burns said, letting go of Smithers and turning to stare evilly out of his oversized windows. "Burns brand electricity will become an empire! Why, soon, I'll control the power of the entire state!" He said, spreading his arms and breaking into peals of maniacal laughter.

Suddenly, he stopped mid-laugh. "Well? What do you think?" He asked, staring over his shoulder at Smithers.

Smithers looked down at the floor. "Uhh...w-well...I...I..I don't know if that's-"

"Excellent." Mr. Burns said, tenting his hands; no longer caring to listen to Smithers' stammering. "Pack your bags, Smithers, we're going to Capital City."

Smithers sighed in defeat. "Oh, boy..."

The next morning, Smithers found himself on the outskirts of Capital City, inside Forbes Nuclear Power Plant. As they walked through the plant to get to the owner's office, Smithers noticed how clean and professional the offices were...Carpeted floors, no cracked paint, no peeling wallpaper, no radioactive leaks...and the ceilings were spotless. Moreover, the offices were a good distance away from the plant itself.

A handsome man with slick, short black hair and glasses walked up to them.

"Can I _help_ you?" He asked stoically, sounding doubtful that they had permission to be there. Smithers noticed on his name tag that he was the safety inspector: Gary Tanneth.

"Uhm, Yes." Smithers started. "Could you direct us to-"

"Where's the owner of this place?" Demanded Mr. Burns, excitedly.

Gary raised an eyebrow, taken aback by Burns' outburst. He looked as though he was about to show them out when Smithers came to the rescue.

"I apologise, sir. My name is Waylon Smithers, and this is Mr. Burns, _billionaire_ and _owner_ of the Nuclear Power Plant in Springfield." He said, putting some weight behind Mr. Burns' credentials. "We have a business proposition for the owner. Would you take us to him?"

Gary hesitated, then nodded, sending a wary glance in Burns' direction. "Very well...follow me."

Burns looked at Smithers, surprised at how well he'd handled that...But he wasn't about to voice it. _It's almost as if he's taking lessons from someone..._Burns thought. Little did he know that he had a book of rules to thank.

With Burns' charm, 25,000,000 dollars, (and Smithers' help), their pitch to buy Forbes Power Plant met little resistance. By the end of the day, they found themselves speeding back to Springfield with the deed to Forbes Power Plant, and a new income that was sure to pay for the cost of buying the new power plant in less than 6 months.

"This calls for a little celebration, Smithers!" Burns said as they opened a bottle of Auchentoshan 21* back at Burns Manor.

"Heh, it sure does, sir..." Smithers said, hiding the fact that he thought Burns' scheme was a little too far out. Rule of Acquisition #45 came to mind: "Never confuse temptation with opportunity."

He shook the thought out of his head and poured the scotch, dropping three ice cubes into each glass. He almost never voiced his opinions about Burns' schemes unless he was sure they'd agree on them. He knew it felt wrong sometimes, but it wasn't like he had much of a choice if he wanted to keep his job.

"Ahh, Smithers...I can almost smell the money I'll be raking in by tomorrow morning..." Burns said, smirking and swirling his glass.

"Does this mean I'll get my Christmas bonus this year, sir?" Smithers joked, feigning hopefulness. He knew Burns hadn't given him a Christmas bonus in years...and he wasn't about to start now.

"Of course not. Smithers, I thought you knew me better than that." Burns said, giving Smithers an amused look.

Smithers laughed and look a sip of his scotch. "Just figured I'd ask, sir."

"Hmm." Burns said. He suddenly became very quiet, staring into his fireplace. Smithers saw something like...regret...flash across his eyes, but it only lasted a second. He put away the last of the scotch in his glass.

"Pour me another, will you, Smithers?"

As the evening passed by, Smithers realised he was a lot more relaxed than he had been these past couple of days. He also realised that he had drunk most of the bottle. That would explain why he was having trouble speaking...and focussing...and thinking...much less remembering what happened two seconds ago.

Burns watched Smithers as he put away glass after glass of scotch. At first he was amused, listening to Smithers struggle not to lisp, but after the 12th glass, he started to get a bit worried. Only a depressed man would drink that much scotch in such short a time...and he didn't particularly want a depressed, inebriated Smithers passing out on his living room floor.

"Slow down, Smithers...are you even tasting it?" Burns said, prying the bottle out of Smithers' hands.

"Oh...You'rrright...I prolly sshouldn't...ahave any mor..." Smithers slurred, putting down his cup, which promptly fell to the floor. It didn't break, and it had nothing in it, but Burns quickly picked it up anyway.

"Smithers, you're drunk...I think it would be best for you to go home now..." Burns gestured towards Smithers with the cup. He was now more than just a little worried that he would have a passed-out Smithers on his rug in the morning.

Smithers laughed and hiccuped once. "I dunthink...that'ssssuch a good idea...ssir," Smithers slurred. "I would...crassch int'a tree if I d...dr..dried ta trive...Imean..._tried ta drive_." He laughed again, seeming amused at his own predicament. Burns frowned.

He let Smithers sit there for a while until he was sure he was sober enough to stand by himself.

While Burns was waiting, he searched his mind for more options, but there really were none.

_He_ coudn't drive Smithers home. Considering his current scotch-induced buzz, not to mention his blatant disregard for traffic laws, he feared that they might end up in a worse situation than Smithers would if he were driving.

A taxi was out of the question. He didn't know how to operate the telephone machine very well, and Smithers was in no condition to call for a taxi himself.

Plus, there was no way he was putting Smithers on a bus in his condition.

Burns' hands were tied. The only options were to let him pass out on the floor, or put him in the guest room. He opted for the latter.

"Well," He said, getting up. "Follow me, you inebriated monkey. You need to get some rest." He motioned for Smithers to get up.

"Hokai, ssir." Smithers slurred.

Smithers was now sober enough to get up, but walking was a whole new rodeo. As he stumbled towards Mr. Burns, he nearly tripped over his own feet. He hesitated, straitening himself up and catching a few of his bearings before he attempted to walk again.

Suprisingly, he made it up the stairs no problem-but he still had to hold on to the railing for dear life. When they got into the guest bedroom, Burns turned on the bed-side lamp and motioned for Smithers to come to the bed.

Smithers toddled forward, concentrating hard on where he put his feet.

"Lie down, Smithers, you need to-ACK!" When Burns spoke, Smithers' looked up; his concentration was broken, and he fell right on top of the older man.

"S...ssorry..." Smithers said, his face flushing. _Oops...Damn..._He thought. He didn't know what was clouding his mind more, the scotch or Mr. Burns' enticing smell...but he found himself slowly lowering his cheek to Burns' chest.

A soft, "Ohh..." escaped his lips.

"Smithers! What the devil are you doing? Get OFF OF ME!" Burns yelped. Smithers could hear the panic in Mr. Burns' voice, but he didn't want to move; he couldn't move. Not yet...

He inhaled deeply, taking in that smell that was Mr. Burns' alone. He nuzzled his face against Mr. Burns' chest, which was rising and falling rapidly.

"Mr...Burns..." Smithers said softly.

"Smithers, GET OFF!" Burns cried. He attempted to pry Smithers off of him, but he was pinned. No matter how much he struggled against the younger man, he simply wasn't strong enough to make him budge.

"You..smell so...good...sir..." Smithers said, clutching needfully at Burns' lapels. As he pressed his ear against Burns' chest, he could hear his rapid heartbeat.

Burns was all but clawing at Smithers' jacket by now. "Wha-Smithers, if you don't get of off me this instant, I'll-"

"You'll what?" Smithers suddenly said, slowly looking up at the older man with a dreamy look on his face. Those eyes would have melted anyone, had it not been for the awkwardness of their situation.

"I-I...I'll...I'll-" Mr. Burns stammered. For some reason that was far beyond his comprehension, he found himself at a complete loss for words.

Smithers maneuvered himself further onto Mr. Burns, nuzzling his neck. He felt Burns try to flinch away. If Smithers were capable of rational thought at that moment, he would be appalled at himself, but he simply couldn't think straight.

"S-smithers..." Burns yelped, turning his head away. "S-stop...this instant..."

"GAH..." He flinched and squeezed his eyes shut when he felt Smithers' tongue slowly trail up his neck.

"S-smithers! g-GET OFF OF ME!" Burns yelled in a high voice, trying to wriggle free.

"Hold...still, sir..." Smithers ragged voice whispered into Burns' ear, sending cold shivers up and down his spine. Smithers' hot, scotch-scented breath, coupled with the scratchy feeling of stubble against his neck, was just about too much for Burns to bear.

_Please make him pass out, please make him pass out, oh lord, oh lord...PLEASE..._

His mind was racing. But, Smithers continued, now sucking on an incredibly sensitive spot on his neck. _Smithers, I swear, if you give me a hickey, I will MURDER you..._He found himself thinking. But Smithers didn't keep it up for that long. Instead, he started slowly trailing kisses up and down Burns' neck. Then he said something that startled Burns even more than before.

"I...love you...sir...God, I...want you so bad..."

Burns' eyes grew wide. Oh god! Was he serious?

Smithers shifted his weight, and Burns was now able to feel a considerable bulge in Smithers' pants. Burns nearly screamed like a little girl. Smithers may have been drunk, but it was obvious that he was dead serious.

_OH NO WAY IN HELL._ Burns' mind screamed.

"GET OFF OF ME, SMITHERS!" Burns yelled at the top of his lungs.

"Don't want to...it would...be against the rule..." Smithers said distractedly, slipping Burns' tie over his head.

"What rul-Smithers, don't you dare-"

"You know...I can be as...satisfying as any woman...sir..." Smithers interrupted, starting to unbutton Burns' shirt.

"I _beg your pardon_?" Mr Burns said, taken aback. He had been trying, and failing, to stop Smithers from unbuttoning his shirt, but this comment made him stop short.

"I can even be...more satisfying...than a woman..." Smithers said, staring into Burns' eyes with a longing that Burns had never seen before. Nobody; no woman nor man, had ever looked at him with such desire before.

Burns was completely shocked. His assistant, a man who had worked for him for over 30 years, was all over him, telling him just how much he wanted him. Of course, Burns had had his suspicions about Smithers' sexuality, but never had the matter been so bluntly confirmed as now.

This topped the apocalypse scare.

Burns suddenly felt like he was going to be the one to pass out.

However, he was shaken from his thoughts when he felt Smithers' lips on his bare chest. Smithers was also trying to take off his jacket.

"SMITHERS!" He screamed. "GET OFF! NOW!"

He suddenly noticed that Smithers had stopped kissing his chest. He was blinking, breathing very heavily, and wore an exhausted expression on his face. His cheeks were so flushed, it was apparent that he had a fever. Suddenly, a drop of blood dripped from his nose, and he collapsed on the blankets next to Burns.

Mr. Burns leapt up, grabbed a tissue from the nightstand, shoved it in Smithers' nostril, and ran out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

Burns leaned up against the door, sliding down to the floor. He was shaking, and his heart felt as though it was beating its way out of his chest.

He took several deep breaths to try to calm himself, but it simply wasn't helping. He was nervously raking his fingers through his hair...it was all he could do not to not to hyper-ventilate. His mind was running a mile a minute.

_Ok...so that was...he was just drunk, Monty...He didn't mean any of it...OH who am I kidding! You SAW that look in his eyes...you FELT his...bulge-OF COURSE HE MEANT IT. OH GOD OH GOD. Why me? This isn't happening, this is NOT happening...oh...Calm down, Monty, or you'll give yourself a splitting headache...or have another heart attack or something...remember, the doctor said you can't have another heart attack, or you'll die...WHAT, IS SMITHERS TRYING TO KILL ME OR SOMETHING? I'm an OLD MAN! I can't take this kind of stress...well, At least he didn't kiss me on the lips, then I'd probably-WAIT what am I SAYING? I don't care WHERE he kissed me or NOT! That was just UNCALLED for!_

Burns buried his face in his hands. He felt like it was the end of the world.

He then realised in a moment of horror that he'd left his tie in the room, doing nothing to help calm his frazzled nerves.

_Screw the tie! You can't make me go back in there!_ A part of him cried.

_But what if he wakes up and finds the tie there next to him!_ another part of him worried. _What sort of ideas about tonight do you want him to get?_

Burns shuddered and stood up. He took a deep, but shaky breath and slowly opened the door, peeking into the room. To his relief, Smithers was out cold. It appeared that the excitement had been too much for him as well. Burns opened the door all the way, flinching and glancing in Smithers' direction when it creaked. Smithers didn't move. Burns sighed in relief and patted his chest. He crept up to the bed and quickly grabbed his tie, turning off the lamp and rushing out of the door as if there were a monster in the closet.

Mr. Burns finally settled into bed after having calmed down a bit. He still held onto Bobo tightly as he pulled the covers around him and tucked himself in.

He remembered Smithers saying something about a rule, but he couldn't, for the life of him, think of what sort of "rule" he was referring to, and he wasn't sure he even wanted to know.

He found himself easily dozing off, but considering the taxing experience he'd just had, he couldn't really blame himself.

He just hoped that, tomorrow, Smithers wouldn't remember any of it.

* * *

><p><strong>Wow, long chapter...<strong>  
><strong>OMAI. This is why you should never get Smithers drunk. XD<br>What do you think? Will Smithers remember, or will it be a surprise to him?**

**LOL now do you see why I used the Rules of Acquisition? Rule #113 gave me the idea for this entire fanfic. XD**  
><strong>Plus: Who is this Gary guy?<strong>  
><strong>Stay tuned for Part 4!<strong>

**Constructive criticism is welcomed, but empty judgements will be ignored.**

***Auchentoshan 21- A very expensive brand of 21-Year-Old scotch.**  
><strong>Gary Tanneth Forbes Nuclear Power Plant (c) Me**  
><strong>I own no rights to the following:<strong>  
><strong>Ferengi Commerce authority The Rules of Acquisition (c) Paramount CBS**  
><strong>The Simpsons, Springfield, Shelbyville, Capital City, Waylon Smithers Jr, C. Montgomery Burns (c) Matt Groening and FOX <strong>


End file.
